


Collaborative Writing!

by TheCaribouOfPower



Category: HIMS (Real-Life)
Genre: HIMS, M/M, Who remembers this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-09 00:53:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11658216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCaribouOfPower/pseuds/TheCaribouOfPower





	1. Chapter 1: Cedar sets off for his destiny, fails, but walks home victorious

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HIMS](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HIMS/gifts).



Chapter 1: Cedar sets off for his destiny, fails, but walks home victorious

In a land called Dorin, there once was a man named Cedar Monotropa Forest MLCM XVII, being the 4967th Cedar Monotropa Forest. Cedar was a tall man with short, brown hair and very faint, almost grey, blue eyes.He always wore a light grey trench coat and rectangular glasses. Cedar, like all those before him, was the leader of Dorin, a land that had long battled the kingdoms of the Natrícait. However, he was no ordinary ruler, he was a magician, and with his power, he would defeat the Natrícait, however, this proved to be more difficult than originally thought, and he eventually decided to form a contemporary truce with them. One day, after the truce was in place, he decided to leave Dorin. His journey was long and treacherous and he almost broke all of his limbs to an evil Skapning (See Complete Encyclopedia of Things: Oduespia, Volume 92 , page 89), but he got to his destination with only two broken limbs and a “too close to his bed comforters” haircut from an Aghdal barber (See Complete Encyclopedia of Things: Oduespia, Volume 6 Page 4) that he met in the jungle. When he arrived in the city of Cupamaramarusapigakarata, he parked his Yang tuo, a popular form of transportation, and booked a room at the nearest gas station. His boots made an odd metallic sound when they hit the floor. This was most likely because the streets were made out of bits of Silent But Deadly Shopping Carts. He walked into the gas station and talked to the small dwarf at the front desk. He did not much take a liking to dwarves, he hated them possibly even more than Lucanian Tantari-Strâmbe. So, he decided to book a room at the palace next door.   
After paying for his room he got angry at a maid who was asking too many stupid questions, he stabbed her with a TALISMAN™ Knife. After dumping her body out of the conveniently located 20th story window he then proceeded to purchase a qarrad (An Oduespian creature similar to a monkey) from the qarrad shop downstairs. Why he went up those stairs in the first place is a mystery to all. After returning from the qarrad shop with his qarrad that he had named Maximilian he walked up to his private library within the castle.   
After that ordeal, he retired to his bed. His room was clearly very old, the grey, worn paint on the walls was peeling, the old oak door had a broken window, and the entire place reeked of moldy cheese. Cedar layed down on the springy bed in the corner of the room and the lamp beside him flickered out before he could even reach over to turn it off. Right before he fell asleep, he heard a knock at the door. He opened it, and saw a man in the light of his monkey's eyes. It was Maximilian all along!! He ran at the devilish qarrad and slit its throat with a TALISMAN Company™ Christmas Tree that was hanging from the chandelier for some reason. Given that this did not work in the least, he proceeded to shove it out of the conveniently located 20th story window (it is a mystery why this was installed).   
Then, in walked a well dressed man. He was wearing an old suit with a black tie, and had jet black hair. “Hi! You have been contacted for the purpose of informing you that a friend of yours has recently signed you up for this newsletter. Through it you will receive previews of certain well known newspapers, good coupons and free stuff!!!!” He then repeated it three more times. Then, he said, “In case you are wondering, I am known as the Professor of Advertisements. I’d like to tell you more, but, unfortunately, I’ve been hired to kill you. You must understand, I am a very busy man, and I need to be going.” He snapped his fingers, and a deafening roar was heard. The professor pulled out an old, rusty knife with a crooked blade. Cedar then, pulled out his TALISMAN Company™ knife, and tried to slit the professor’s throat. The professor stepped back and said “tsk tsk,” and turned into a strange, bat-like monster and flew away, although over 3 times as large. This creature was known as a flying death bandicoot. Cedar rushed to the window, and saw a light blue dragon with a orange spine and giant, gnarly teeth. It roared, and purple flames lashed out of it’s nose as it flew towards Cedar’s dormitory. . But wait! It only wanted a snack. “Please!” the dragon roared.  
“Give me a snack!” Just then, the professor flew back.   
“DAMMIT!!!!” The Professor yelled. Suddenly, the dragon got trapped in a diamond cage that had been summoned by Cedar. The dragon pleaded with Cedar, and he conceded to release it.  
After freeing the dragon from its diamond cage, Cedar jumped up 20 stories,and with a magical spell, he threw a TALISMAN Company™ loaf of bread. This bread possessed the magical power of feeding someone a certain amount of bread. “Why oh why” he yelled at the bread. The bread responded in an automatic chirpy voice. “Greetings Mr. Monotropa”, “It’s Cedar.” he interjected,”Greetings Mr. Cedar” the bread chirped. I am the bread of honesty and I have been charged with watching you by the dragon-”  
“Can you even grammar?” Cedar asked.  
“No, but-”  
He snapped his fingers and the bread vanished.  
“Well that was tedious.” He said before bursting into laughter, as the professor had just flown into a giant wad of gum and was trying desperately to reason with the dragon so not to be eaten.  
He then proceeded to continue on his journey, returning to the jungle. As he set off, outside the city of Cupamaramarusapigakarata, a danger lurked nearby. Though a truce had been formed, the three cats were still against his existence. Hidden beyond the city, they had built a small base, and brought in many of their legendary items. These included the Spitzen Stock, Leistungstrank, Episkuchen, and the Kazad Alttanin. Using these paired with the elemental powers Crestături had granted them, (this is a long story, read Natrícait by Banphrionsa McRigh for more), they attacked as Cedar neared the base.   
It was a quick battle, with the throwing of many TALISMAN Company™ knives and TALISMAN Company™ bread loaves, and TALISMAN Company™ Christmas trees; but in the end, Cedar overpowered The Natrícait, and took all their stuff before leaving because he didn't want to kill them, yet. They tried to follow, but were blocked by a 600 pound african elephant that he had summoned.   
When he got back to Dorin, he devised a plan. He would summon the Natrícait to him, and then stab ‘em in the kidney. It didn’t work. He tried to summon them with a fake birthday party invitation, but nobody came. Instead, the Natrícait went to a desert island far away, and didn’t return until the 32nd century. Theoretically. Cedar, seeing what he had done rejoiced and summoned his armies and conquered the kingdom of the Natrícait, he then went to his new land, the capital of which was called “New Dorin.”  
When he arrived at New Dorin, he purchased a large helping of alqat alkabid, his favorite snack at his new favorite restaurant, Mate’am Al'arz. It was a popular fancy restaurant at the end of Talisman St. This was Cedar’s favorite restaurant because it served only TALISMAN Company™ made food and beverages, the best to be found. Cedar was proud that he had honed his abilities of shooting lightning out of his hands and was now able to conquer the kingdom of the Natrícait with his Magic and lightning shooting hands. He marched out of New Dorin and proceeded to a spot where there was an unidentifiable white spear sticking out of the ground. When he neared it, it hummed in a low droning noise. When he picked it up, he heard an offsite voice simply stating,”You have acquired the spear of Bastet” Little did Cedar know, Bastet was the god of cats and her spear fired immense nyan cat's out of its tip. If it broke, it reformed again until it was broken 10 times and then it would be broken if only he could show the cats the spear that he had taken. He pitched camp and split open a al'anf’al'aeuj’hu’ghabi khinzir from the fields of Orokana. This khinzir tasted so terrible that he immediately decided to test his nyan shooting cat spear on it. After shooting the defenseless khinzir multiple times and watching the insides fly everywhere, he looked up to the sky and saw that it was snowing. The snow was beautiful.


	2. Chapter 2: The Death of The Three Cats and Introduction of Søren

Unfortunately, 32 centuries pass pretty fast, and the cats had pitched camp on the border and were counting down the years until they could re-enter their old kingdom. Cedar decided, after 23 centuries of this, that the cats would have to go. When the cats caught on to Cedar’s plan to eliminate them, they passed laws against any plan he created. Cedar finally had had enough. He invited them to a “Peaceful discussion,” but had to go to them because they had 9 more centuries to wait. The discussion took place in the now historic Alqamamat Sunduq Cafe, with the cats meowing threats in harmony and Cedar accidentally shooting nyan cats, that, for some reason, joined against the cats, destroying them for once and for all.  
However, once the nyan cats realized what they had done they turned on Cedar. After a long interaction including many TALISMAN Company Knifes and Loaves of Bread, a young platypus named Søren came to Cedar's aid. The nyan cats retreated out of the kingdom never to be seen again.  
“Who the hell are you?” asked Cedar.   
“I am Søren, mage of the Aussies.” The platypus replied. “Gork.” said a random palmer named gork, “You smell bad.”  
“Oh, please do shut up.” Said Cedar, before snapping his fingers. Gork disappeared.  
“Thank you!” Exclaimed Søren, “he followed me here all the way from Australia.”  
“What is Australia anyways?”  
“You don't know what Australia is?”  
“I don't want to seem stupid, but yes, I've never heard of it.”  
“It's the land that I am from. Could I see one of your maps?”  
“Sure.” On the map, he found the following picture:

“Oops! Sorry, wrong map!” Said Cedar. He revealed a different map. On this one, was a land titled “Oduespia”   
“I cannot find Australia anywhere on here.” said Søren. “OH! And that reminds me! I have something to give to uh… Cedar! Thats you, right?”  
“Yes?” Said Cedar.  
“Here.” said Søren. Just then, Cedar realized the consequences of throwing his qarrad out the window. With a crash, it finally hit the ground after being thrown out the window. It flattened Søren, as well as most of the street, and the object that he had been producing out of his pocket to give to Cedar rolled out of his hand and into the portal to a parallel dimension that had appeared out of nowhere next to them. The portal then vanished. “ELLEN! NO!” Yelled Søren.   
“Pardon?” said Cedar.  
“ELLEN NOT THE POTTERY!!!!!!!” Yelled Søren. He jumped into the sunlight zone and vanished. Moments later he reappeared with a slightly dazed expression. He was also un-flattened. Maximilian the qarrad wandered off into the sunlight zone never to be seen to again.  
“I’m going to have to have a word with the staff of that palace.” Cedar said.  
“Well? What are we going to do now?” Asked Søren.  
“We have conquered the island of Natrícait, now we need to conquer the rest of Oduespia, starting with Mergville, and it's capital, Cupamaramarusapigakarata.”  
“But I thought you were already there before.”  
“Yes, and their palace gave me bad service, I will have my revenge!”  
So that was when Søren and his small army of platypi from the far away land of Australia joined forces with the kingdom of Dorin to take over all of Oduespia.


	3. Myggdrasil Of Mergville

Myggdrasil realized that there were Dorainian warriors running with bloodthirsty eyes towards his kingdom's capital, Cupamaramarusapigakarata. At the time he was taking a stroll in front of his small beautiful palace. Then he called Bryan the turnip farmer and ordered him to kill the small amount of warriors. There were maybe 300 or so warriors running at little Bryan when he morphed into a huge fire dragon and burned them all in 2.03 seconds. Myggdrasil was very happy until he saw the main force of Dorainians. There were maybe 500k warriors and probably around 50k mages all of whom were wearing fire proof armor. Scared, Myggdrasil sent all his turnip and carrot farmers as well as his land sharks and all his geese to defeat them.   
Meanwhile, the Australian elite military of platypuses lead by Søren flanked them destroying the palace from the rear. Then they sent their advanced weaponry of catapults and 3.5 planes to defeat the farmers. However the goat air force swooped in and attacked the Dorainian military. They dropped fat cheese gorillas to make the Dorin military to full to fight. However, this did not work in the slightest as the Dorainians did not eat the cheese gorillas. Myggdrasil realized that the battle was futile, and morphed into a Lucanian Tantari-Strâmbe, before flying to his ally, Noelopan of Sørecarf. Cedar then snapped his fingers, causing the majority of the planes to spin out of control and crash into the ground, he then offered to allow the remaining pilots and farmers to live, as long as they pledged their allegiance to Dorin.  
Although this seemed slightly modest and fair, there were a small amount who did not comply with the simple criteria Cedar wanted. There were also those who became evil monkey demons after eating the cheese gorillas. The monkey demons built a castle and became known as the †€mplarŠ. They were a dangerous race, if they were enraged by you. So all who ate cheese were in danger, unless you ate cheese gorillas, in which case you were brainwashed and joined the †€mplarŠ. Luckily, their fortress was indestructible, but they forgot to put doors in it so they are stuck in their own castle forever.   
Anyways, the peasants and serfs who did not want to become bound to Cedar’s loyalty needed an ally to help defeat the great Cedar, so they needed to find a way to put an end to the magic from Cedar. The peasants wandered far and long. They were half starved, half moldy until one by one they fell over, either dead or too weak to move. The peasants traveled until they found a hot, dry plains. There, they dug. They dug, and dug, and dug, until they had enough graves for everyone. But, just before they all got heat stroke and died, one of the graves caved in, revealing a vast cave system. A glowing spear was stuck in a stone, and the peasants picked it up and used it to light their way through the cave.   
Just then, a giant weasel teleported in front of the peasants.  
“I am nYan of Ellenville,” The weasel boomed in a low, but welcoming voice.  
“We are starving and moldy!” Replied the peasants.  
“Well then, you have come to the right place!” The weasel boomed again. Then, nYan walked over and stole the spear from the peasants. “I sense you are angry at Cedar, I can help you get vengeance,” The peasants smiled. nYan snapped his fingers, and all the peasants got epic powers. They also found 7.2040710874897 crystals that, when close to Cedar, temporarily weaken him so his powers render useless. However, Cedar learned of their plan and destroyed them and the crystals before they could put it in motion.


	4. The Siege of Ellenville

“I am nYan of Ellenville,” said a random weasel.   
“What is Ellenville?” “It is an underground city off of your puny maps,” replied Nyan. “Then we will destroy it because of your imbecile mistake,” said Søren. “No!” said Nyan. “I very much like that idea,” said Cedar. So all the warriors and mages of Dorin and all the platypi of Australia and all the turnip and carrot farmers and all the land sharks and geese, and all of the goat air force attacked Ellenville.  
They rushed up the hillside towards Ellenville, but suddenly froze in a block of ice (except for Cedar and the flying death bandicoot, which was dead. Why, no one knows). Cedar was confused. He raised his hands, and tried to unfreeze everyone but it didn’t work. The professor was standing on a tower in the middle of Ellenville.   
“You won’t win.” The professor spoke with a magically amplified voice. No wait, that’s a megaphone. He pulled something out of his briefcase. “I designed a freeze gun. And now i will kill you with it!” He pointed it at cedar and it emitted a low whine then shut off. “Damn!” said the professor. “I need more AAA batteries. Can you wait a moment?” He descended off of his perch on top of the tower. Cedar, while the professor was off buying AAA’s at the nearby Bridgemart, unfroze his army. They charged into Ellenville and took the city, recruiting a large number of new warriors for their army. Cedar walked to the Fencemart and held his hand out towards it. A sinkhole opened up underneath the establishment, and, along with everything inside, it fell into the sinkhole. The sinkhole then closed, trapping the Bridgemart as well as the professor within. He shook his fist and cursed Cedar.  
“Muahahahahahahahaha!” Laughed Cedar. Just then, out of the sky came a terrible creature. It had had neon (slightly opaque) aquamarine wings, and it’s body was a boiling yellow and black. It’s enormous chest had an eye on it.   
“Behold!” shouted the professor from under 165.876 tons of earth. “It is the mighty noehtju!” The noehtju turned around and flew off into the distance, in search of innocent children to “educate”. “NO! Wait!” said the professor. “...” He said. “damn.”


	5. The Interrogation of nYan

After returning to his palace in New Dorin, Cedar walked into the cold, stone chamber; three guards followed. In the center of the room lied a mound of dirt and mud, or at least it looked like mud…  
“Hello, nYan,” Cedar said as he took a seat in the old wooden stool. “You look better than yesterday! Have you showered?”  
“Only in my grandfather's poop, so yes I have,” The pile of dung sat up, revealing the giant weasel nYan.  
“Ok...well then…...let’s just get started, shall we?” Cedar shifted around in his stool, obviously uncomfortable.   
“Are you sitting on a stool drinking Earl Grey tea?” Shrieked nYan.  
“I ask the questions!” Cedar snapped, before sipping his tea. “Now then, why did you try to kill me?”  
“I don’t know. Why are you sitting in..-”  
“THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT!!!!!” Cedar screamed. The guards passed out and the single window on the wall shattered. The chains on nYan rattled, and the whole castle shuttered. Just for a moment, Cedar had lost control of his powers.   
Blood started to flow at a steady pace from nYan’s ears, and nYan himself nearly passed out. “You-you-you are even stronger than I imagined!” Stuttered nYan.  
“Yes, well I like working out. There’s a gym across the street. They cover me in acid and it makes my bones shrink, but my muscles grow. Also I found an ancient spell book to make myself have ultimate power, but that’s not important. The gym. You should come with me some time!” Cedar stood up and walked out of the room.   
The guards noses started to bleed while they were asleep on the floor, even more than nYan’s ears were bleeding. Soon the entire room was covered in a thin layer of blood. After a while the guards stopped breathing. All this time, nYan was sobbing on the floor.  
“I will have my revenge….soon, you will all die…” nYan mumbled. He opened his chest and pulled out his appendix. After ripping it open with his teeth, he revealed a small orb of light. “A one time use teleporter….and I know just where to go.” nYan grabbed the orb and yelled: “†€mplarŠ!” and there was a flash of light and a crackle of thunder and he was gone, all that remained was an appendix, which slowly turned to dust. The carcasses of the knights too turned to dust. When Cedar returned to the room, realizing nYan had gone to the one place he couldn’t get to, he was calm.  
“If I can’t get in, nYan can’t get out!” And that was true, nYan would be trapped there until the end of time.


	6. Cedar returns to nYan’s cell and gets his pet muskrat trapped in †€mplarŠ

A few moments later, chapter 16 Cedar walked out of a hole in the space-time continuum into the all too familiar cell of nYan the weasel, shortly before the time period of chapter 5. nYan was asleep in the corner, and gave a sort of quiver when Cedar landed on him that made Cedar think he was just bluffing. Noremac the communist muskrat was ejected just afterward, followed by Cedar’s annoying step-lawyer Stephen. Cedar led the two of them into the hall to discuss his plan.   
He was about to start when he noticed that Stephen was reading a sports magazine in the corner, and Noremac was unwrapping a NeutroCatt®™ bar. Cedar whipped this away from him, very annoyed “HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS!!!!!!” Cedar roared “NEUTROCATT®™ IS NOT TALISMAN OWNED!!!!” With that, he downed the bar in one gulp. Noremac, who was a bit pissed by this, decided to shred Stephen’s magazine to shreds. Stephen was about to retaliate when Cedar calmed them all down by hitting them with a roll of TALISMAN Co. swedish low duty tape™, and when that didn’t work he hit them with a pack of regular scottish fish.   
Cedar continued to tell them his plan: “Noremac will be put into the cell in place of nYan. Because they are the same species (“NOT!” yelled Noremac. “Same difference” muttered Cedar), I will think it is nYan and interrogate him. Meanwhile, Stephen will smuggle nYan back through the space-time continuum and back to our time, where we can use him in Chapter 17. Sound good?” To tell the truth, Noremac did not find this pleasant at all, but would have found Cedar’s wrath much more unappealing.  
At that moment, footsteps could be heard and Cedar shoved Noremac back into the cell. A moment later, a protesting nYan was shoved out and pulled down the corridor by Stephan. Stephan was about to escape into the sunlight zone when Noremac was chased out of his cell by the other Cedar, who had just come to interrogate him. This caused a paradox, transporting nYan to †€mplarŠ, along with Stephan and Noremac. Cedar sidled back through the portal into Chapter 16, happy that he was finally rid of his annoying pet and step-lawyer.


	7. War

There has been a lot of chaos around the world, but none were as chaotic as the second group of peasants. As you know, a number of peasants decided to join nYan in a plan to defeat Cedar, which failed in 3.141592653589793234626 seconds. Those peasants called themselves the Weaselers, because they teamed up with a giant weasel. The other group of peasants, who also despised Cedar, had a much more sneaking and mischievous plan. These peasants called themselves the Questers, because they needed to go on a quest if they ever wanted a chance to defeat Cedar. This quest would lead them over mountains, across barren deserts, through ancient ravines, and through the darkest of forests. So they took an airplane. Once arriving in palm springs they found magic pixies that wanted to help defeat Cedar. They ground them into a pulp and stole their pixie dust. Using it, they could become undetectable to Cedar. But, since they were only peasants, they were too stupid to do this and instead used it as instant chocolate milk powder and sold it for 5₵ a piece.  
Cedar teleported to the group of peasants and asked why they were trying to kill him with chocolate milk powder.  
“CEDAR IS HERE! CODE red! CODE red! Or is it code C? Or maybe code yellow…?”  
Cedar snaps his fingers and kills them once and for all. Wasn’t that more exciting than the Weaselers?   
Remember the Weaselers..?  
The old, moldy peasants known as the Weaselers were not doing so good. After their leader, nYan, got trapped with the †€mplarŠ, they just fell asleep on a pile of fuzzy, soft mold. This mold was toxic and most of them died. When just a few remained a huge flash of light and a crackle of thunder, a dark, hooded figure appeared before them. He spoke in an old, and sinister voice:  
“Greetings, Weaselers. It is I, C-wait, I can't tell you who I am...well, I am your new leader!”  
The peasants shifted in their moldy mattresses, “But who saysis weziz wants dem new leaderziz?” The peasants asked.  
The hooded figure raised his arms and shouted a spell, and the peasants instantly grew 4 feet and were completely healed, not a speck of mold left. “Now go, my army. Destroy Cedar as you have always wanted. Destroy him!” The peasants cheered in approval and ran all the way to Cedar’s palace. When Cedar snapped his fingers, the peasants did not die, it actually didn't effect them at all! The peasants shot fireballs and destroyed Cedar’s wonderful castle in New Dorin, killing all inside. Cedar could not defeat them! But why…? Cedar needed answers, and there was only one place he could go: the Cave of Lükť.


End file.
